#198 here it is. it’s long. garbled. but it’s something. i can’t do any better with it.

I know writing all that will follow is not essential, but I want to. The last 10 days have been rough, rougher than any before. Not comparable to those with really hard lives, but still in my little world, my emotions have taken a complete and utter battering over the last week or so. I need to get it all out, I had to wait to do it without so many expletives and anger. I’ve had a nice evening so I’m trying to now write it in a almost sane fashion but still this post is going to be garbled; I don’t care. I need to just write this little tale of woe of mine, then I can have it there, there as a reminder that things don’t feel much shitter. Some people may not have felt so rocked by it all, I’m not sure, but all I know is how I’ve felt, and when it comes from people you’d never expect it just feels worse… Right so the events as they were.

It starts at the break up I guess. Like I’ve mentioned since my ex left me, we broke up, we weren’t right, it was actually only me that brought up that it wasn’t good enough to continue like that. I was willing to work and amend, she stated she wasn’t. The next day, 19th November she walked out. Left me abandoned in a house we’d moved to 4 days previously, a house that at the time was still flooded downstairs. A house I’d moved to only because she’d started a new job and we needed cheaper rent in the interim to us moving somewhere for her this September. Relationships are about a little give and take, sometimes you have to give a lot, so that when you need it you can take a lot. I wanted that future, together, she clearly didn’t… So there I am, sorry to sound so martyr like, but really I now know the extent and I am playing every card going.

So she left, I’m abandoned in a house. Dealing with shit. Living with a stranger [who's lovely, just so so so not me]. I’d sorted it all, made it easy for her, let her walk away from responsibility. I wanted us to be friends, we were doing pretty well…

I could deal with that. I was getting there. Actually last Wednesday night I went to sleep feeling really good, positive, getting there.

Fast forward to Thursday of last week. I was trying to get hold of her for a few days, I had questions regarding house stuff. I couldn’t get hold of her. It was so frustrating as I’m only asking for a little support and she was just MIA. So I did something bad… something that I’m not proud of but I wasn’t exactly looking for anything… I just didn’t really know where she was and wanted some clues.

I signed in to her email [please don't stare judgingly at the screen, I'm not proud, but yeah, I'm still pleased I did].

I didn’t find any clues of where she was… then I saw an email from mid January, from a friend of hers from work, let’s call her ETCT . It was regarding her medicine application. I read it, it was giving advice and then the last few paragraphs were friendly. Very friendly. You know I trusted her with my life, so even though most people would have read that and gone what the fuck?! I didn’t I just thought… oh right, that’s friendly…

Then I looked further back [yes, now just being nosey...] and there were emails from her there again, from ETCT. They started on 5th December. From that date to mid December. There were loads… They were using the L word. Just over two weeks after T had walked out on me, she was sending another woman an email saying she loved her… I read them and read them and read them. I was almost sick at my desk. I was in work, struck frozen, temporary blindness in my right eye, sickness flooding over me, and a frozen left shoulder. I managed to get up from my desk, run to the top floor and ring my best mate. Thankfully she answered on my second or third attempt. I was sobbing, I couldn’t understand or comprehend what I’d read. Yes we weren’t together on those days, but even just going on a date a week before for me and kissing someone had felt like I was stamping on the grave of our relationship, something I treasured. That’s the bit that I can’t even put into words but that’s the bit that really gets me…

I managed somehow to sit in work that afternoon. I managed to go home [to my poor couchsurfers who were staying and had to witness my emergency meeting with my best mate as I fell to pieces...] I managed to smoke a cigerette in literally 20 seconds flat when I got home, and set a new record I’m sure…

During that afternoon, in work in my despair at reading this L word, reading these graphic details, reading about there secret sordid affair [because yes ETCT is/was in a 5 year relationship of her own, we had been for dinner at their house for god's sake...] I’d managed to get T to agree to meeting me the next day. She’d been really not wanting to but I knew I wouldn’t function until I’d asked her about this… I’d also facebooked the other girl, ETCT’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to tell her, but I needed to be able to contact her. I asked her for her number. Said I needed to ask her something…

Friday I sat in work. Frozen by nerves, worry, pain, heartbreak. I cried in the toilet. I couldn’t risk anyone asking me if I was ok. I don’t know how I did it but I did; blindness and all.

At 5pm I walked outside to meet her. We went to a coffee shop under my office. I was shaking, I was a state. This is not me… T knew something terrible was wrong but I told her I needed to take the talk slow… I couldn’t tell her I’d read her emails… So I played it another way.

Cut through that, she admitted they’d had a fling after we’d split. I nodded said oh right ok blah blah blah, with 10 pages of emails saying the L word printed in my bag next to me. After she’d finished this, I had a deep breath. I asked her not to blow up or leave at what I was going to admit I’d done, I said I just needed the truth. I told her I’d felt terrible just going on a date with someone, almost guilty in a weird way, not about her but about disrespecting our relationship in some way… to me it was to special to stamp on.

I told her I’d seen the emails. The “I love yous”. The it’ll all be ok in the end bullshit. She surprised me and didn’t blow up. Instead told me about it, like I’d asked. I know it’s hard to believe but I didn’t even ask if it had started before we’d split up, as as much as I’d hated what she’d done I KNEW [yeah right!] that she wouldn’t do that… Sounds hard to believe, but if you knew her you’d understand that it is just not something that is comprehensible. She told me it had started after us, she said it wasn’t a reason in why she left. I told her I couldn’t do the friend thing now, told her I hated that I felt hate towards her for trouncing on what we had. Told her I felt betrayed by her. Told her I thought she was a joke having this secret, lying affair.

Lesbians have a habit of having drama-full lives… I always loved that T and I didn’t have that. We weren’t associated with any of it. I told her I thought she was a joke for putting herself right in the middle of all the shit.

I walked away on Friday, telling her I wouldn’t be telling the other woman involved. I didn’t want to get involved in her shit. I feel quite strange to feel I’d been so hurt that night. I got shit faced at my mates, tonnes of scrumpy and cigerettes and tears and talks… but at least I’d had the truth!?

No I hadn’t… The next morning I woke up awfully hungover. I’d been texting the other girl, ETCT’s girlfriend the night before trying to deflect from my message I’d sent her in my desperation… She rang me, and said she thought there was something I should know. I said I didn’t know anything, like I said I didn’t want to get invovled in all that shite. The conversation basically had her uncover that she’d read a text from my T to ETCT on the 22nd November, 3 days after she’d left me, using the love word… My heart sank. What was all this bullshit I’d heard the day before about it just intensely starting in December… I admitted to the other girl that I knew something, I told her what I knew… She also mentioned there’d been a lot of facebook messages…

In my desperation I logged into her facebook [again please don't judge.] The silly twat in all fairness still hadn’t changed her passwords! There they were… starting end of October…

Then I rang T. “When did it start”…  Screaming. “End of October”. Phone down.

I read the messages, read and read and read. Fucking hundreds. All graphic, all love-ey, all bullshit. Messages on my birthday!!!!! And you know what really pissed me off, ETCT had the audacity to mention me in a message and spelt my name wrong. SERIOUSLY!!

I read and read… I don’t know how I wasn’t sick. My mate was staying over at my mates with me too. She woke up still drunk I think and walked into the living room where I’d been sleeping on the sofa to see me, looking like a car crash, crying with deep deep pain. I told her – and still she said, there is no way she would do that… seriously that’s how unexpected it all was!

I phoned T back. I went mental. Like really really mental. My mum had rang me in between all this, distraught by hearing me so broken she was like something off thunderbirds on her way to get me. She said she couldn’t leave me knowing she couldn’t come and get me.

Last Saturday I was broken. I was dead inside. Seething, angry, hating. So full of hate towards two people… I’m still full of that hate, but trying to deal with it. I have never sent so many abusive texts in my life. I told everyone I could. Including T’s family. Big call I know but I wanted those close to her to not be surrounded by lies too…

There’s obviously so many other facets to this story… In between all this can you believe I had date #2 with someone, it was lovely, I had to tell her what had happened in so many words as I’d said what a shitty week i’d had and didn’t want to keep it all cryptic. We had a nice time, lovely time [though there's another story from this as I think she thought I was too keen and well... I'll go to that another time...]

Last week was hard, I was so broken I had to stay out of work. My mental state was bad, I needed to relax. My neck is screwed.  It still is to be fair… There’s so many elements of this sordid little week that I’ve had to gloss past… But I guess at least I’ve written something…

Positive steps now – focus on moving house. I HAVE TO! I can’t stay as I am denying my progress and happiness. I was going to just tell T I’d send her the bill of outstanding rent. But my mum, font of all knowledge, said how do you know she’ll help. She reminded me that I’m not dealing with the person I know anymore [god that's the hardest part!]. I’m dealing with a selfish, coward, horrid liar.

I’d put the phone down after several more abusive phone calls on the Saturday night it happened to T. When I put the phone down I told her that would be the last time. She’s adamantly maintained she’d hate to lose me in her life. I hope that is true, so I hope the fact I now just feel hate to her is the biggest thing I can do to hurt her. So when I said to my mum I want her to pay so I can move hoouse, my mum sort of said, don’t give her the satisfaction. She would probably say no, but if she said yes, I don’t want her to have the satisfaction of helping me… I’m doing it on my own.

After about 26 unreplied to text messages from ETCT I was forced to delete her number by my best mate. She said I’d had my week, now that was it. Getting done by the police for harrassment would not be big or clever.

And I’m proud to say I haven’t contacted her. The ex. I’ve been tempted. Really tempted… but I know that’s the biggest thing I can control and maintain.

She doesn’t deserve a minute more of my time. The worst part is hating her. I do though. She knows what this stuff meant to me and she fucked it. She lost.

#197 the story is coming

i’ve been a bit of a car crash of late. eratic posts simply stating this is the worst day… this is the worst worst day etc and the like. everything i’ve felt or ever believed in seems to have fucked itself. royally fucked itself. i’m lost, stumbling and so painfully hurt and angry.

a big pour out of the episodes of the last week is coming. i want to document it all. i will. this weekend…

in the meantime, please hang in there with me… this car crash i currently am will soon, i hope, refind itself. in the meantime a huge thanks for the emails, the comments and the love. it helps beyond belief.

i love you dear blogject xx

#196 the worst worst day

I thought thursday was a bad day. I thought thursday was the worst. It felt it because i couldn’t comprehend that it could possibly feel worse.

Today has been worse. Much worse.

I’m not really a hater. But tonight, after a day having to be rescued and remaining numb all day, i now hate.

I hate her. I hate her the most.

But i also hate another. The other person. As in The other person in the betrayal.

#195 worst day

Well the worst day im going to have this year is out the way! Hooray for that silver lining…

More details hopefully good or bad may follow… Nothing can feel like i felt today though. I know that much.

# 194 hotel and new phone

A night in a beautiful hotel. Wine. Room service. What more do I need?

And how do you like the new phone / blog photo abilities!

#193 musical procrastination

I arrived home about three hours ago. I’d been away for the weekend, one of my best girl’s birthdays. Needless to say, it was a wonderful weekend, only slightly adapted by the bucket loads of snow that kept us from going out last night. Today I got back home, earlier than planned and a lot less hungover and with intentions to make the most of both these contributing factors and attempt to get down to doing some of the things I need to do…

Instead, so far, I have listened to a lot of music. I’m a strange music fan I guess. I happily listen to everything and anything, but my favourites are small, usually dated, and I will happily play them to death. One exam period in second year uni I listened to The Organ’s album on repeat for over a fortnight… I wouldn’t mind but it’s only a small album!

I’ve been reaffirming some old and new favourites via Youtube for the last few hours. Currently got a bit of the Bubble on [before anyone thinks I'm stupid, I know that's not HOW you spell his name... but I prefer it that way]. He’s my man crush.

It’s funny how much music can affect you. I listened to some Cerys earlier, I welled up without notice. Thinking of how Torze created my love for her grow and grow. Thinking how Cerys’s Imaginary Friend song will always take me back without a second thought to that session of A Level revision in 2005 where SO much shaped what I am today… The tears applied ditto to Daniel Merriweather.

I listened to a lot of Adele [carefully avoiding Someone Like You until the last moments where I couldn't avoid for some reason self torturing myself with it]… Rolling in the Deep played a lot too, as I was reminding myself of this incredible moment I had on the return plane journey from Japan.

It’s funny though, isn’t it, how a song can crush and uplift from one to the next? I know what some songs will do to my emotions, but I do it all the same. Self-crushing. Self-delivered.

I’ve just put on Portishead, Glory Box. Those opening two or three notes can transform a mood. How and why this all happens, is it a connection of the song, the memories, the words… Portishead, Roads. I play this, but why? I know the effect it will have on my. I know what mentally it does to me…

This post may come across incredibly up and down. This is what happens when listening and writing. Self-pleasure vs self-destruction.

Hot chip now; Crap Kraft Dinner. What a song! It may sound strange that I associate this song heavily with being hot, humid and located in Uganda back in 2007. I found it then. Found it on my ipod that had not been and still has not been updated in years. I remember giving the album a chance, zoning out, then zoning in when I realised how much I loved the song.  2007 hey, did I mention I stick to the songs I love…

Right, I’m going to go and drag myself from my sad little moments, first though, a final good one. Nightmares on Wax – I Am You. Then, the procrastination and self-everything can end.

#192 calm-spiration

My mind is calm, peaceful, happily distracted and I keep having a smile creep on my lips without meaning to.

Can you guess I had a good weekend and an even more wonderful day yesterday? A pleasant weekend of dinner with friends on Friday, a Saturday without leaving the house, and a Sunday date that was, well, just lovely…

So with those simple points laid down, a smile and a sigh, let me share with you a photo or two.

This is my calm inspiration, my calm-spiration if you will. Welcome to my blog please, The Great Buddha of Kamakura; what a beauty!

Happy Monday.

#191 prompted to check in so i’m checking in

It’s not that I haven’t had anything I want to write, or wanted to write for writing itself, I guess sometimes a week and a half just passes by in the blink of an eye. Scary, yes, but true. I’ve been busy, standard to everyone in this day and age though I think, but I could have slid in a blog post somewhere. Last week before I even cleaned my teeth I wrote a tremendous amount of words… No I just haven’t blogged, no reason, just haven’t.

Anyway this evening after commenting on a fine blog by an even finer [I imagine!] lady I was prompted to check in.

So here I am checking in. You know, saying hey  I’m here. In a super speed round up of news, I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to hear that I haven’t cried in Morrisons again in the spice aisle, I have been thinking about the future a lot; not my emotional future but my work wise, what am I doing now that I’m not moving with my “gf” to another city and therefore leaving my job anyway kind-of-future… oh and I hate to admit it but I am still cursing my current living situation.

In the work wise thoughts; not something I’m going to spill about yet. I’m still trying to make some clear decisions about what, where, how I want to go. There’s no rush, no “need” so it’s good. I just need to make some choices and act and keep my fingers crossed.

In emotional thoughts; I’m doing ok. A few wobbles but nothing major. The only thing that really is driving me a little mental is my living situation which therefore spills out to the ex as my frustrations mount. The finesses of which I won’t drag myself in to, but it’s not ideal and I need to be rid of my contract here asap as I need [NEED] to  live somewhere else.

But in the emotional break up sense, sometimes sadness pours over me, but generally I’m doing ok. Nothing will change so I’m enjoying the fact that I’m single – don’t go smiling now you dirty lesbians reading this – nothing has HAPPENED… but well, I do have a little meeting with a lovely girl on the weekend and I’m terribly nervous but equally excited. Hmm, I’m keeping schtum for now though… I hope it is pleasant at worst and gossip worthy at best! I feel I want to do a winking face at this point, but I made a rule to myself from the outset of this blog that I wouldn’t. So I won’t. But that’s the expression on my face when I say “gossip-worthy”!

In other news as a wrap up of headlines:

• I did run to work last week, it nearly killed me, but I ran. I did it two days and was hoping to do it this week but I buggared my knee on Saturday night by falling [literally just falling, I wasn't walking or anything!] off my heels. Actually they were my friends heels we’d swapped earlier in the night, well about 3am as we didn’t actually go out until 1.30am… but not I’m just splitting hairs?! The buggared knee has given me a hobble rather than a run-worthy knee this week so I’m on hold for this week!
• Last Friday I set foot in the gay village in Manchester for the first time as  a single lady, meeting with my ex’s best mate, who’s also my friends by default, and we haven’t met for ages… We drank a lot of very cheap Friday happy Hour wine [£7 a bottle in a bar - not safe!] It was mixed emotions as I glanced at the women around the place… Another trip will need to be made to decide on these emotions.
• Tuesday night I had my first dinner party in my house. Trying to build some form of memories here, and I love love love playing hostess / cooking and haven’t done it in, what, like 2 + months. So I had the girls over, I made a mezze platter, a chicken tagine and a chocolate fondue for pudding. All that and I only got home at 6.15pm and they started arriving at 7pm; I clearly haven’t lost my touch. Ha!

And that, apart from all the other million and one things that happens in everyone’s lives every day of every week… is about it. So enjoy, be bored by, or laugh along at my week past, for now I’m checking back out. xx

 

 

#190 january; returning to reality

It’s early, like before 6am early. I’ve been awake nearly an hour, it’s not jetlag as I sorted that right out on Saturday having stayed up for an 11hour flight watching back to back films and then coming home and sleeping through the normal hours of sleepness. No it’s not jetlag, it’s just me being awake.

My return from my wonderful trip to Japan [which many many pictures will soon be revealed from] has been fairly good so far. Sunday was a lovely day, catching up with my mum, drinking proper cups of tea, seeing my two best girls in Manchester and putting on some heels and a coat with some shape to feel a bit less like a travelling, flat shoed, furry mountain bear! Even work yesterday was not too painful. But – I say “fairly” right – as after all I am home and now not on my travels and well last night, I had a rather sad little episode.

This episode was about ‘her’, about my continuing post break-up thoughts. The feelings don’t go away, although I will say most the time – say 95% – I am fine, I understand, I digest, and I am OK with what’s happened in the last two months. I am positive about the good parts of this, the fun to be had [because soon [very soon I hope!] that will all begin], the total unabandoned independence and freedom, the fact that I know I deserve the future of ‘this’ instead of the future that would have been me not actually getting from a relationship what I deserve.

But last night, the crushing, manipulating, painful emotions ran in and sort of stole all of the happy ones. In a very sad episode I stood eyeing up the bay leaves and turmeric in the supermarket; which as it happens was my first real attempt to take some recipes to the supermarket and start getting my life ‘normal’ again and not just living off a diet of sandwiches, toast, wine and eating out, and unfortunately getting fatter by the day. I stood and who knows what happens [did the paprika just look at me badly?!] but there in front of all the herbs and spices I just started crying. This all-encompassing shitty bout of sadness took over. So what did I do, I sent my thoughts, my anger, pain and frustration through multiple text messages to her. That’s what annoys me even more – that I go and do that?! She understands, but going round in circles when I get frustrated doesn’t really help that much in the end…

I finished my shop, I had to, I have to start being ‘normal’ again. I walked to the tram stop.

After an equally sad wait at the tram, a sad little tram ride I got off and sat at my stop. I rang my best friend. She’d seen me just the day before in my normal, 95% there and ok state, so answered the phone all chirpy only to be greeted by whaling and a need for comfort. I sat at my tram stop for ages talking with her and getting myself right before walking home. I came home, I made dinner using a recipe and felt much better than had I given in and just bought toast, a big bottle of wine and then smoked away the evening.

Through the evening at home, yeah, I admit, I did continue a sort of tirade of truthful, emotional and pain-ridden texts to her. But sometimes, when all the pain at your current situation comes from one source, one persons abandonment [and I know that sounds a bit OTT but it's what has happened - it's me here living with a stranger!] , it just sort of means you desire to let them know. Aside from this though the rest of the interaction between us has actually been really good, positive, purely friend-like and that too, I need, need with a capital N no less, to have to feel that part of who I am, part of the past 7 years that has shaped me hasn’t just died too along with a past relationship.

I slept and I woke.  Now it is Tuesday, what should by rights be a shitty day just because Tuesdays are the worst day of the week in my opinion, but today will not be. I will not surrender to my otherwise positive attitude today.

And how am I starting such a positive stride in the day?

Hmm… well today is the day I attempt to run/walk to work. I am bored of waiting for, sitting on and paying a lot for a rather slow tram! I live 2.5 miles door to door to work. A little too far to simply walk to work… and although I hate running I need to start putting my body through some exercise…  Running is free, doesn’t require equipment and hopefully, when it has a purpose, it may be something I can create into a habit but I hate running, I can’t run and it will be hard… It should be an interesting morning before I get seated at my desk either one I hate, or one that may take a precedent in my routine going forward… I’m not sure which I hope for more?!

And having not expected to be awake so early I must say that writing too has been a lovely start to the day, mind-clearing, detoxifying and stabilising.

So for now, good morning all and goodbye. x

#189 the last from japan

I thought it would be nice to round off my perpetual blog updates with one final excerpt before I’m homeward bound on Saturday.

 

I’m currently in Hiroshima in a hostel! The couchsurf I had arranged fell through as the girl I was supposed to be staying with had a “cold”. I believe her, but still was slightly gutted, but the fact I have a large dorm almost to myself and the continuing hostel life in some ways makes up for it.

 

So my last few days in Osaka were great. I took a day trip to Kobe, which was beautiful, very colonial and incredible to see the before and after of such a destructive earthquake. That night I went out in Osaka with a swiss guy named Frank. After tonnes of food in an izakaya we went to the drinking equivalent of Afflecks Palace [Manchester institution sorry for those who don't know it]- as in tonnes of tiny bars in a massive building where you ducked into each place which only had about 12stools and hoped for the best. It was a very good night – I drank a lot of Sake and Shochu and basically, well, too much. I think knowing someone could put me in a taxi and know where our hostel was helped the booze go down! Thankfully though I did my best to hold my own and managed to also endure the walk home to the hostel too at 3am…

 

Then to Hiroshima – what a place! It’s stunning, and my history lesson is now really filling up… I don’t do museums, or history really that well, but I went to the Peace memorial park and stared at the A-bomb dome, and well, my emotions got the better of me. It’s a stunning but brutal tribute staring at the dome… A wonderful city too and small enough to be able to just walk about.

 

Today I went to the island of Miyajima, near to Hiroshima, famous for its floating Torii gate  – it’s not floating at all!! It’s just at high tide when the sea covers it. I then cable-carred up Mount Misen, and later walked down on a very empty path, feeling very exposed but thankfully made it down in one piece!

 

Now in hostel, and heading back to Tokyo tomorrow, where I will be staying with someone I met on New Years, so alas, I will finally sample a real life couchsurf of sorts!!  

 

I fly home Saturday so this is it… Thank you for following the journey this far… Soon I’ll be back on sunny Manchester soil, reality check and work on Monday – the joys… with that sweet thought I’m off to drink some Sake! 

 

For the last time from Japan,

Holly xx